Sunday, November 6, 2011

Bound and Determined Mom Takes on the World

I woke up early and  fused the forces of Bound and Determined Mom with Healthy/Crunchy Mom. Before long the laundry was humming and a pot of steel-cut oats was bubbling away. The Jungle Kid came over from next door and her endearing little monkey screeches quickly woke up a grouchy Sunshine and thoroughly soaked Baldilocks. In minutes they were clean, dressed, and sitting at the table with a sweet bowl of oats and warm milk. A slurp of coffee and B & D Mom continued to slay the grime the threatened to take over the house and grow the evil villain: Lazy/I Give Up/Lay on the Couch Mom.

The battle was interrupted almost immediately by a sound that could only be described as two glass bowls of oatmeal being swiped off of a table and landing upside down on the floor. Disciplinarian Mom brought out the firm "No!" before I started the battle of oatmeal hair, table, high chairs, floor, and wall.

That battle was immediately interrupted by territorial primate screeches and crying. Baldilocks and The Jungle Kid were fighting over balloons again, and Sunshine decided to push them both to the ground. A time-out, no-no's, and a few kisses later, and I was battling the grime once more.

We repeated the entire scene twice more with apples dipped in almond butter, scraps over the slinky, chicken with rice and veggies, and tug-o-war over shoes. I finally lost it, threw their buns in bed, and gave myself a time out.

Just an hour later, I swept the last corn chip off of the floor and swapped Bound and Determined Mom for I've Apparently Lost My Mind Mom. "Sunshine! Let's teach the little girls to use the potty! You can even show them how!" Five minutes later, IALMM Mom had the puddles cleaned off the floor and panties on the two 18 month olds, who then decided to fight over the potty. Three minutes after that, the little girls were stripped of their pee soaked clothes and put back into diapers.

Tired/Irritated Mom jogged up the stairs and was searching for new clothes when a tha-thunk tha-thunking sound came wafting up the stairwell. My Mom-dar said, "Don't walk! Run!" After falling most of the way down the stairs, I discovered two cave children dancing on the dining room table with such fervor that it was actually skipping across the room. Quicksilver/Emergency Mom grabbed them to safety and let Disciplinarian Mom go to town.

A quick rearranging of the furniture allowed me time to grab some clothes, and I came down to find two completely naked children shredding their diapers into confetti. The battle was lost. With all of my hope gone, I collapsed to my knees with my head in my hands. The filth had built up around me and the dreaded villain was rising. There was nothing to stop her.

But then four sticky arms reached around my neck; I opened my eyes to find two naked cherubs looking on with sympathy. They kissed and hugged me. What a sweet joy and wasn't it worth it all? I basked in this loveliness and ignored, as long as I could, the copious warm liquid with which they anointed my pants and socks.

Lazy/I Give Up/Lay on the Couch Mom won the day, and I couldn't begrudge her that for it was a hard fought battle. But, I knew her strength would weaken with each episode of Hoarders. Somewhere, deep in the recesses of my mind, Bound and Determined Mom was building an army.

1 comment:

  1. Doesn't it make you feel so clean to watch Horders? No matter how dirty my house is I always feel better knowing there is nothing in my house I actually have to climb over to get somewhere else